Here’s the moment I stopped reading the Bible.
I was on the faded green easy chair in my bedroom. Every night as the light faded from white to yellow to gold, I’d open the Word and read.
I’d learned something since college, when reading the Bible was an OCD coping mechanism, a way I proved my worth and checked off Good Christian boxes. These days, I tried to not worry—a young mother with not enough sleep—if I didn’t read Scripture every day. I was trying to be gentle with myself.
Still, I hesitated before I opened up the Good Book.
Because lately, I felt like every time I read those numbered, cross-referenced and paper-thin words my heart got shredded.
I didn’t want to face what that meant. A Christian who can’t read her Bible? Isn’t that an oxymoron?
So I kept going. Kept going and going. Stopping might mean I’d lost my faith.
Besides, perhaps my hesitation was normal.
I knew I was in good company when I winced through the genocides in the Pentateuch. Leviticus was a hard sell, but the rules about women were outdated, weren’t they? And later, when the smiting started in Ezekiel, I skimmed over the passages, thinking Jesus Jesus Jesus, because he’s a good answer to any question.
I breathed a sigh of relief when I got to the New Testament. Now we were out of the woods.
Except—except—
Even Jesus was hard to read.
Jesus.
“You unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you?”
That day in the green chair, I watched the light go grey. I stared at the fading wall, Christ’s words going through my head.
How long shall I put up with you?
I closed the Bible. I set it on the little table next to my chair, and crumpled inside.
I decided then and there that I had to stop. No: I had to face that reading the Word was shredding my heart.
But why? Why was the Bible shredding me?
Other people read it and were just fine. They were encouraged, and uplifted, and strengthened.
What was wrong with me?
I’m at SheLoves today, talking about the cries of our heart might lead us back to Scripture when we least expect it. Won’t you join me?
Image credit: Britt-knee
Healing cannot be gotten cheap at the dollar store.
I totally relate to the part about waiting for Jesus through all the smiting and then realizing that Jesus also says some pretty harsh things. That verse in particular stood out to me too! I’m glad there are others who are noticing these things. Thanks.
SO GLAD I’m not alone on this. Recently, I read through this part again, and every time I came across a verse that made me wince, I just marked it (on my Bible app on my phone.) Something about acknowledging the bad feelings instead of trying to ignore them made a big difference. I still wonder about that verse–still wonder why Jesus was so harsh, but I trust that he’s not judging me, not fed up with me. It’s a long process. I find a lot of the Bible I still hesitate to read, but more parts of it are opening up, and I’m savoring them!