You would think that when you feel horrified, ashamed, and terrified, you would know you are feeling horrified, ashamed, and terrified.
But in my experience, that’s not a given.
Take one twilight, about two years ago. Someone that knows my family well invited me to a Facebook group along with some other people I trust. In the group, he asked about some of the upheaval that my family was experiencing back then. I responded candidly—reallycandidly. It wasn’t out there on the whole Internet, just on this little group, so I felt comfortable being really honest about the muck and mire.
Except a few hours later, he responded back. “Umm, I changed the settings of this group to ‘secret,’” he said. “I’m guessing you don’t want everyone to see that post.”
“Oh,” I thought. “No.”
I felt a jolt of fear for my carelessness. There was some terrible crap going on that was not appropriate to share in a public forum.
So I deleted the post. That was that, I decided.
What happened next is still a little fuzzy. I remember time passing, and feeling a little out of sorts. I could not remember what I had been doing before I got his message. I could not remember what was on my to-do list, if there were any household tasks that needed doing (like making dinner) with any urgency.
About fifteen minutes later, I realized I had been moving around my house as if in a trance. I kept stopping and looking for something to read—a magazine, the spine of a book, a brochure, a coupon—but I could not focus. I felt as if I had drunk too much caffeine. I also really, really wanted to play a game on my phone or our family tablet, but I couldn’t find either.
After about the fifth aimless circuit around our house, I realized something was wrong with me. I forced myself to stop and take a breath (this was really hard … like swimming upstream.)
Why do I feel so distracted? I asked myself.
An answer surfaced: I am trying to escape something.
What am I trying to escape? I wondered.
All of a sudden, I realized my whole body had gone cold. I had a knot in my stomach. A chartreuse-tinged wave of shame washed over me.
Oh, I thought. I am trying to escape THAT…
I was at SheLoves earlier this week, talking about how facing our emotions can help us live deeply into our lives. Join me there?
God Takes Happiness Seriously—and So Should You: for Relevant