A few months ago, a reader emailed me a message that’s haunted me ever since.
Her husband had been unfaithful several times and, from what I could tell from a short message, showed no sign of repentance.
She struggled with trust issues, she said, and asked if I would pray God would help her trust her husband more.
It’s not the first time readers in toxic relationships have written me with similar requests: how do I let go of anxiety about the boss who constantly screams at me? My husband is emotionally abusive, how do I love him better?
These emails follow roughly the same formula: someone keeps hurting me terribly. How do I accept this?
My short answer is: Don’t.
Don’t accept abusive treatment. Don’t work harder to be ‘good’ in an unbearable situation.
And especially: If a situation is dangerous and toxic, don’t pray for more trust.
Pray for wholeness—real, active wholeness–instead.
I grieve these prayers because for years I prayed them.
“Help me find peace,” I kept praying. “Help me do better, Lord.”
I assumed my job was to accept any situation as-is.
But God does not design us to accept toxic situations. He does not call us to trust untrustworthy people. The prophets rail against abusers who say “peace, peace where there is no peace.”
Yes, we’re called to trust God in all situations. But there’s a vast difference between excusing people who harm us and advocating vigorously for wholeness.
I once tried to pray abuse away. Instead, I wish I had learned to lovingly hold people responsible. Peace was definitely available—but it took my active participation to find it.
I once prayed the wrong prayers. Here’s what I wish I’d prayed instead.
I’m over at iBeleive again this month with a post about the prayers I regret praying in my relationships. Won’t you join me there?
Dear Awkward: My Kids Are Slobs. Help!
This is one of the best articles I’ve read on abusive relationships. There are many issues that binds people to abusive relationships but I believe the reason God is rendered powerless is because many, if not most, of the people in abusive relationships pray for a way to cope, to trust, to claim ‘peace’ when there is no peace, and , somehow Christians think it is ‘holier’ to remain and honor what is not honorable.
Great article.
I have also read prayers of women who asked prayer warriors to intercede and get the ‘other woman’ out of their husband’s life, as if the problem was the ‘other woman’ , as if they had an agreement of trust with the other woman. Some even go to the point of asking for prayers to ‘kill’ the other woman…So, I”m no longer a pryaer warrior. That is way too much for me to handle, but if you people out there engaged in toxic relationship (no matter what kind of relationship) read this article and it will open your eyes and once your EYES ARE OPENED IT CAN’T CLOSE by ITSELF . Your conscience will be alert.
Thank you for posting this great article!
Wow, this is a really encouraging comment. Thank you!
I think the ‘peace’ often preached is a toothless peace. Especially for women. It is really confusing. Also, I’ve seen how abusive people really skew reality for those they are abusing; it becomes really hard to know which way is up.
I’m sorry the experience of praying for women was so toxic. Praying that we will all be guarded against the urge to pray for things that aren’t holy or whole. xoxxo