We had a week. A week of being stuck inside from rain. A week of fevers, of bad tempers–mine included. A week of cancelling play dates. A week of homesickness hitting. A week of stir-crazy.
A week.
I’ll be honest with you: I would rather write a post where everything in my parenting life is going swimmingly. I would like to feel like I have things together before I go preaching.
But I ain’t no expert, and I am often at a loss. I am putting one foot in front of the other right now, doing my best with things being less than ideal. I am often wracking my brain for solutions, for wisdom, for the right way forward.
But knowing how life with kids goes, I am sure I am not alone. And so I want to say this, to all of us parents out there who also feel discouraged about the day or week that is not shiny and audience-ready:
Today is not the whole story.
Soon it will be better.
While waiting for that day, let’s keep practicing kindness with our kids and ourselves.
Because children are learning how to love. They are practicing how to get angry, how to handle emotions.
This is hard work, and they are struggling just as we are.
For better or worse, we are their guinea pigs.
And us–let’s have grace for us, as well. You and I are learning, too, and that is no crime. I am learning how to parent these children who are different every day. Each is their own person, which is really beyond my power to comprehend.
So.
Yes, set boundaries. Yes, there are limits. Yes, perhaps think of ways to change up your ways, your parenting strategies, add or subtract things that are hindering everyone.
But have patience and grace for a learning process that you yourself are still struggling to master.
Forgive them for being beginners. Forgive them, and let them start fresh in five minutes.
When they are hurtful, ask for an apology, and then let go of the hurt. Let go of the guilt. You are all learning–still!–how to be family together. Model the behavior you want them to see. Model that forgiveness, that kindness, that over-and-over loving. Put a lot of stock in the power of example.
Talk about the deeper issues later, when everyone is calmer.
Have grace with tired bodies and aching heads. Have grace for three-year-old-sized self-control. Have grace with a parent (you!) who is worn down and weary.
Listen to your negative feelings, sure, but do not let them run you off the road.
As soon as you can, invite your kids to a cuddle party on the bed. Grab them unawares and give them raspberries. Ask them to explain their favorite television show or book–the one you’re not that fond of–and listen. Lie in bed with them extra-long tonight, in the dark, and smell the day’s work in their hair.
Keep walking down the path of the best you can do. Keep walking, and the week will pass, and the rain will stop, and the fevers will come down, and one day soon, you will be riding on a carousel, laughing with the sky an impossible blue, and an orange-breasted bird will burst into fierce and jubilant song.
Love your post Heather. We are having one of those weeks as well. Most often I have to remember to be kind to myself. It is very natural for me to spread kindness to others outside of my family. I constantly need to remind myself that it is OK for L and C to see me struggle and falter. And family life constantly provides the opportunities for do-overs.
Thanks for writing in, Patti. I have been so astounded by the grace and forgiveness my daughters show me when I am faltering. So often I think I have to be an impregnable fortress, but they are learning how to be human from me, not perfect. I just pray that the kindness and grace overwhelms the times when I am not the kind person to them I want to be.
Great post! It’s so true that they learn how to be angry or deal with their emotions through our actions and words.
Thanks, Erin. Sometimes the whole “modelling” thing give me great comfort (that I don’t have to say the perfect thing). SOmetimes, it fills me with foreboding, because of how imperfect my modeling is. Ah, well–we are all imperfect, and that’s just reality.
now that my sons are teens i can see clearly that they benefit from my imperfection — it grants them permission to be imperfect, too. 🙂 and my apologizing and making things right shows them how to handle their own mistakes. it is so tempting to want to do things perfectly (especially when our children are small and we can see *so clearly* that they ARE perfect! so they deserve perfect parenting!) but not only is it impossible, i don’t think it’s desirable anyway. life is imperfect and it’s still beautiful. 🙂
enjoyed your lovely thoughts today, friend. xoxoxo
Thank you! Yes, we’re teaching them to be human and to live in messy imperfect relationships, right? And the best we have to give is truly the best thing. Thanks for the encouragement, Lori.
Oh, this post is so glorious, and so much what I needed this week. This mother-of-a-three-year-old says THANK YOU.
You are very welcome, and it blesses me a lot to know that it was helpful 🙂
I saw your post at In A Mirror Dimly and have been clicking around your site. I love this reminder that we need grace in our families: “You are all learning–still!–how to be family together.” So well said! Thanks for encouraging me this day.
You’re welcome, Jennifer! I’m glad I was encouraging to you, and I’m so glad that you’ve come to visit!
” You are all learning–still!–how to be family together.”
I love that thought. Thanks for this encouragement!
Thank you, Jen! When I stepped back to think about how long it has taken to get used to being married (still a work in progress), even with all that relationship experience under my belt, I had a moment of compassion for my kids. It’s hard work to be family! It takes practice!