Heather

Quick piece of advice: don’t read a book debunking the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) a month after you’ve been diagnosed with autism. It’s like researching systemic religious abuse right after your baptism. The book in question is Sarah Fay’s Pathological: The True Story of Six Misdiagnoses. Fay was diagnosed with anorexia …

I’m Autistic, and Autism Doesn’t ExistRead More

My small group started two weeks ago. I was surprised—really surprised—to feel excited about that. When I joined the group at the beginning of last year, I didn’t expect to stay more than a few months. I had my arms crossed rather tightly across my chest during the first meeting. And the second meeting. And the …

I Hated My Church’s Small Groups. And Then I Returned.Read More

When my daughter Lucy was three, I decided to get intentional about her education. I wanted to homeschool long-term, but knew I was not an ideal candidate: I like quiet, order, and long-range projects. I also felt a little cuckoo stuck at home. With 18 hours a day to kill, I counted the days until fifth …

I Did Not Trust Myself With My Kid. Here’s What Changed.Read More

Published in 2013. After more than a year not going to church, I realized I wanted to return to my childhood congregation. I have been there ever since. I have been in a season of intense joy in my faith. And I really, really didn’t want to say why. Here’s why: The joy started when …

Not Going to Church Gave Me JoyRead More

Recently, I blithely told one of my friends from high school that my experience in our church youth group had been largely positive. Here’s why I felt that way: the group was my first time in Christian fellowship. I served in leadership for three years, was there for almost every event, made a tight group …

There’s Power In Naming the TruthRead More

I was alone in my parents’ house when Nine Inch Nails helped change my life. It was a few months after college graduation. I was listening to music while I packed everything—after just unpacking. Not long before, my mom had told me I had two weeks to get out. It was just me, a bass …

The Gospel According to Nine Inch NailsRead More

Here’s a true story: I was scared of lighting matches until I was twenty years old. Twenty years later, now many books of matches under my belt, I find this both ridiculous and completely understandable. Ridiculous because matches are necessary and not really that difficult. And understandable because in order to light a match you …

The Girl Who Was Afraid of MatchesRead More

Not long after my husband Dyami and I got married, he bought a subwoofer. For those of you not conversant in audiophile jargon, a subwoofer is a speaker “dedicated to the reproduction of low-pitched audio frequencies known as bass.” The subwoofer was about the size of a large end table, heavy as all get out, squat, aggressively …

Learning to Listen Well to the Low Notes of My MarriageRead More

A necklace really shouldn’t cause anyone this much anxiety. I bought it from a friend selling those fabulous accessories made by women moving out of poverty. Cute jewelry + women’s empowerment. Win-win. I haven’t gotten myself a new necklace in years, I thought. It’s for a good cause. I scrolled through the catalog and found a bold one: …

It’s Scary to Wear JewelryRead More

I represent the people who get more than they deserve. The lucky ones. The golden children. The privileged, wealthy, and influential. Oh, my dears. How can I claim to be anything other than your sister? I know all about a life that’s unfair in my favor. Once, during my sister’s seven-year stint living at a children’s …

I Am the PrivilegedRead More

I suffer from anxiety. Early the other morning, I woke before the sun was up, as I sometimes do. I stumbled to the bathroom, hoping that would help me fall back to sleep, but when I got back in bed, my body was on fire. The stomachache that had plagued me for three days came …

I’m Grateful for My AnxietyRead More

Sometimes I feel like my faith is an old nuclear waste site. It’s some years after the fallout. The birds have returned. The trees are sprouting soft, hopeful leaves. The worms are doing their busy work in the dirt. From the looks of it, you’d never know there had been desolation here. But there’s a low …

The Spiritual Discipline of No Spiritual DisciplinesRead More

Let’s get the scary part out of the way first. I’m worried I will lose my faith. I’ve come close several times in my life. Circumstances, like depression, or alienation from Christian community, or (dear Lord) reading the Bible can make me question my faith. It’s always frightening, but it’s happened enough that it no longer …

When I Lose My Way, Jesus Finds MeRead More

Can I tell you something that embarrasses me? I’m becoming a Bible nerd. Yesterday, I recorded myself reading some Psalms aloud. I made made MP3s of the files, and added them to a playlist on my iPhone. Today, I listened to them while I was cleaning the scrambled egg off of a cast-iron pan. Why? I’m …

Brief Moments When I Did Not Hate The BibleRead More

No, I’m not exaggerating. I really think working full time might have killed me (I’ll explain why in a sec). This feels transgressive to admit. So much so that when I wrote the first draft of this essay, I spent at least one thousand words backpedaling, saying of course I could work full time if …

Working Full Time Might Have Killed MeRead More

Today, I want to talk more flexibility, another important executive function. I struggle with this, big-time. Being rigid can feel like a nightmare. You can know your rigidity hurts people yet struggle to choose differently. A brief recap: Last week, we discussed what executive function is (like an air-traffic controller for your brain). Then I …

Selfishness and Neurodivergence Part 3: RigidityRead More

When I learned I’m neurodivergent, I discovered that means that I struggle with executive function, especially a kind of remembering called “working memory.” Last week, I reflected on memories of refusing to do a basic care task (cleaning a humidifier) when my kids were little—and how selfish that made me feel. Today, I want to …

Neurodivergence Can Make You Feel Selfish, Part 2: Executive Function and Working MemoryRead More

Within the last month, I’ve received three print journals in the mail. They’re all different sizes, all beautiful in their own way. And I have essays in each one of them. I wrote two of the essays in the midst of one of my deepest creative crises: for about a year, I just did not …

What Happens When You Give UpRead More

Did you know that cleaning a humidifier can remind you of your neurodivergence, make you wonder if you’re a selfish jerk, and also make you astonished at how hard just surviving can be? That’s because basic care tasks reveal how autism and ADHD can look like selfishness—but aren’t. First, the humidifier. I currently have COVID; …

Neurodivergence Can Make You Feel Selfish, Part 1: The Humidifier ConundrumRead More

Should you get an official diagnosis for autism? Or diagnose yourself? We’re here to help. Welcome back to the Awkward FAQs! We specialize in answering the questions everyone worries about saying out loud. And no, before you ask, we’re not experts! We* are an author, Heather Caliri, who, as of this writing, was diagnosed with …

Autism Official vs. Self-Diagnosis: Awkward FAQsRead More

The American emphasis on competition and talent is so normal, it’s hard to critique it. But lately, every example of how much we think life depends on competition feels like a death wish to me. Like this headline: “‘Talentism’ defines success in new capitalism , says Davos chief.” The article, published in July of 2020, …

Why Our Obsession with “Talent” Is a Death WishRead More

You guys, “creativity” is fascinating. Did you know it was only coined as a word in the 1850s, and didn’t come into common use until the 1900s? And now it’s everywhere. I wanted to pick the brains of my email subscribers about creativity, and they were so generous in sharing what they know. Here are …

What I learned about creativity (and its seeming lack) from my readersRead More

This summer, I spent nearly two weeks at St. John’s University in Minnesota, at the Collegeville Institute. They offer summer writing workshops that are all-expense-paid miracles. Literally, guys: experiencing such generosity, given so freely, made it easier for me to believe in God. Here was my two-bedroom apartment with a lake view. Ridiculously, I had …

On Remembering Editors Are Humans, TooRead More